All Aboard! 

After a week of distractions from blogging or journaling, here I am at 6:40AM forcing myself to get my thoughts out of my head and on to paper (well, cyber paper anyway). And to think I've been up since 5:00AM? Restlessly tossing and turning, trying to hide from my racing thoughts and fluttering chest, only to find that when I would open my eyes my body was still heavy, I was still tired, and there was nothing in my present existence to encourage such racing thoughts. Closing my eyes once more, I re-entered the Polar-opposite Express heading straight for anxiety. My heart rate increased with each thought that zoomed by. So quickly, in fact, that I barely was able to get a glimpse of it. It was there, then it was gone. Over and over again this happened until I had finally had enough. I shot my eyes open, jumped out of bed, and grabbed a crumpled sweatshirt off the floor as I snuck out of the bedroom.

I spent the next few minutes pacing in the study that currently doubles as my yoga and meditation room. Tapping my fingertips of my right hand on my chest as if to sooth my heart, "Calm down now, girl, you are fine. Your thoughts are getting ahead of you. They are irrelevant and nonexistent. Just be present."

I made my way to my reading chair and sat down, closing my eyes with hopes that a morning meditation would steady my uneasiness. But it couldn't, my anxiety continued to build. Even at the sound of my Husband, Steve's, voice reaching out to me to ask why I was up so early, my racing mind was unsettled and instead building tension and irritability. What was going on with me? I am not consuming caffeine or refined sugar, both known to cause such mental stimulations. I had recently returned from a relaxing vacation with my In Laws where I had no responsibilities or worries (thank you again Mamma & Pappa G). So what the heck was going on??

Last January I was enrolled in a Leadership Institute through the Naperville Area Chamber of Commerce. To kick off the program, all participants were asked to take a DISC assessment, in which we would learn about our personality, our motivations, and our behaviors in both our personal vs. professional environments. In the group discussion following the receiving of our results, we were asked to notice the differences between our behaviors in our personal lives and our professional. I remember then being informed (in more formal words) that a difference could result in stress or anxiety due to not having the ability to express our true nature throughout all facets of our lives.

It is very often that we find ourselves shifting personas to greet different environments, situations, and even people in our lives. We do not act from the core of who we are, but rather develop our behaviors or personalities upon the foundation of external influences and circumstances. There is not always a "diagnosable" reason for this behavior, either. It can be as simple as not yet knowing our true nature or even being so distracted that we forget to slow down and reconnect with who we are at our core.

This is where the importance of the Other aspect of our Wellness Program comes in to play. Beyond the food, that nourishes the physical body and on to the essential need to nourish the Innermost Being. There are many different ways to cultivate this sense of nourishment, and respectfully, we all have the individual right to decide what works best for us. These moments of nourishment can be found in activities such as reading, running, prayer, hot showers, nature walks, and for the sake of our wellness program, journaling, yoga and meditation. Making sure to nourish your Innermost Being is JUST as important as nourishing your body through food. It is Self nourishment of the Soul. And you must do so and do so without pressuring yourself. Make sense? If not, feel free to ask me for clarity.

So what about my anxiety? Where did that come from, how did it develop, what can I do? I still don't know all the answers, but I have a good hunch. I have been overwhelming myself with thoughts of future longings, thoughts of things that do not exist. I am excited and nervous and so caught up in talking about my future plans and scheduling for them that I have forgotten the life that is going on right now, right in front of me. And I don't want to miss out on it. My anxiety stems from my lack of being Present. As an old friend said to me over tea this week, "Just take it one week at a time, nobody knows what the future holds." So right now, at 8:06AM on Thursday, January 30th, I take this time to slow down, acknowledge what I sit with right now, and just Be.

Namaste,

Yogi Rae

Michelle LaBlanc's interview with Rachel Grundner on Y12SR Naperville
Michelle is an experienced Yoga Teacher leading classes at multiple studios and wellness centers in the Chicagoland area. To learn more about Michelle, please visit www.strongheartyogi.com.

1. What is Y12SR and how did you find it and become involved?

Y12SR is a program of Off the Mat, Into the World, a 501(c)3 non-profit organization. The acronym stands for Yoga for the 12-Step Recovery. It combines the practices of the 12-Step Model and the 8 Limbs of Yoga, as they are very similar and easily relate to one another. Y12SR is an additional resource for those in recovery or affected by those in recovery to emerge themselves into a sacred safe place, where they can find a supportive community and healthy yoga practice. It is important to note that Y12SR is not a replacement for recovery programs, it is to be used in conjunction with them.

I first learned of Y12SR while reading the upcoming events section in Yoga Chicago magazine. Growing up affected by addiction in my family, I immediately was intrigued to learn more. My initial reaction was to share the information with those dear to me in recovery, however I ended up continuing my research until I found the Leadership Training program led by Nikki Meyers, Founder of Y12SR & Owner of CITYOGA in Indianapolis, IN. I completed my training and became a certified Y12SR Leader in March 2013.

2. Becoming involved in a program like this is often very personal, why do you think people turn to drugs and alcohol as an outlet instead of counseling or friends and family?

I'll begin by stating that I am not a professional psychologist, therapist, or counselor. However, I can speak from personal observation and from what I have learned in training. Let's begin by defining Addiction: Addictions are destructive behaviors that an individual acquires as a method of coping with the pressures of life. Some addictions may be considered genetic conditions (such as alcohol or drug addictions), while other addictions such as sex, love, or eating disorders have deep roots in emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Most addictive behaviors are maladaptive responses to unresolved trauma.

I think that Trish Jones-Bendel, Director of Linden Oaks at Edward Hospital, said it best at the June Women In Business Breakfast when she stated that individuals suffering with mental disease (such as addictive behaviors) do not know how to share what they are experiencing inside their minds. Therefore, they may turn to other sources as a way of coping.

Additionally, an addictive behavior will likely bring about denial, rigidity, distortion, fear, depression, and more. When we are caught up with the "mind-stuff" it is hard to see the "forest through the trees" and more easy to give way to the spiral of the monkey mind (as we say in yoga). It is my personal feeling that the individuals who have not sought out professional help may not have yet come to the realization that they are coping with their personal reality in an extremely unhealthy manor.

3. How can people overcome addiction?

Find your support; within your family, professional help and especially within your Self. Although it may be unclear or hard to identify at first, there needs to be an understanding and an opening of the heart to welcome a life changing experience. Addicts,alcoholics, and codependence must be vulnerable enough to give themselves the opportunity to seek help, to understand and rebuild their values and boundaries, and to incorporate a healthy system such as the 12-Steps or their chosen spiritual guidelines into their lives.

Additionally, just like in Yoga, repetition is key. Beyond the professional help, recovering addicts are encouraged to continue attending support groups such as AA, NA, CoDA, Al-Anon, etc. The support of a recovering community, sponsors, and other related practices can help prevent future relapse.

4. What is, or how would you describe addiction?

The clinical definition (as mentioned in question 2) can be defined as follows:

Addictions and compulsions are destructive behaviors that an individual acquires as a method of coping with the pressures of life. Some addictions have genetic components and are passed down through biological family. Alcohol and drug addictions are examples of genetic conditions. Other addictions can be linked to survival reactions in response to trauma.

Sex addiction and eating disorders can have roots in emotion, physical, or sexual abuse. Addictions such as overwork, gambling, overspending, smoking, and compulsive exercise appear to be the result of bad habits. Most addictive behaviors are maladaptive responses to unresolved trauma.

For reasons to only simplify, I have defined it as such: Addiction is the dependency on someone or something to serve as a source of escape from the stress of your personal reality, physical trauma, or trauma of your memories. I say physical, because some addictive behaviors can be found in individuals who were treated with highly addictive chemicals post surgery.

5. How does yoga specifically help people with addiction and other recovery such as abuse?

The human system is an integrated whole, a multi-dimensional self. In yoga, the bodies of the mutli-dimensional self include Annamaya (physical, asana), Pranayama (energy, breathe), Manomaya (thinking, chanting), Vijnanamaya (character, mantra, meditation), and Anandamaya (heart, prayer and ritual). When these bodies are misaligned, disconnected or imbalanced the human system is susceptible to dis-ease and dysfunction.

Additionally, we can compare the similarities as follows:
Step 1 (we admit to ourselves) - Conscious Awareness
Step 2 (we come to believe) - Sanctity of the moment; restoration
Step 3 (we turn over our will to a higher power) - Surrender
Step 4 (we make a searching moral inventory of our Selves) - Svadyaya (self study); vichara (inquiry)
Step 11 (prayer and meditation) - Prayer and meditation
Step 12 (we continue to help others) - Karma and seva

Meetings - Sangha
Higher power - Ishvara
‘Doing the same thing...” - Samskara (habitual conditioning)
“Just one more...” - Samsara (circle of suffering)
Attending meetings, pursuing recovery - Tapas (discipline)

Y12SR aims to teach individuals how to identify, access, and rebuild their foundation within themselves. To gain the “wisdom to know the difference”, knowing when to stop or start. To learn to pause and be present. To practice repetition to re-educate neuromuscular patterns. To teach centering and meditation techniques so one can better understand themselves and their surroundings. And most importantly, to surrender to the higher power of their own understanding.

6. What else can people do who are recovering?

Those in recovery can continue to seek support from therapy, family, friends, programs and local communities (ex. church, clubs, etc). It is also important to incorporate healthy practices in to their lifestyle - from having a healthy diet to regular exercise so that you are increasing dopamine in the brain naturally. Additionally, other holistic practices such as Acupuncture have continuously proven to be beneficial when working with cessation and recovery.

7. How can friends and family support people recovering?

The most important thing that friends and family need to realize is that they cannot want the addict to recover more than the addict wants to. From personal experience, I know how difficult it is to be a by-stander watching someone you love deteriorate along the pathway of addiction. It's heartbreaking and we often feel it is our duty to step in and solve the situation ourselves. Every family or friend that has experienced this pre-determines only these three ending results: (1) the individual will find the road to recovery, (2) they will end up in jail, or (3) they will die. What other options are there, after all?

I recently sat in on a Y12SR meeting myself and asked this exact question. The answer was resounding as each individual shared their view point. To be supportive does not mean what I had initially thought it did. We cannot tell someone what they have to do, they have to learn it themselves. As ironic as it may seem, telling them only pushes them farther away as they may view it as a personal attack or a threat. We have to remember that we are not dealing with the little boy or girl we once knew, we are dealing with the dis-ease itself... a completely separate and  different entity.

To be supportive is not to enable, judge, or counsel (leave counseling to the professionals). Unfortunately, you have to let it run its course. That means no nagging, yelling, or accusing. Rather, reassure them that you love them, that you are concerned, and firmly make them aware that you cannot support their unhealthy behavior. They are on their own until they seek help. As hard as it is to do, sometimes the only way for an addict to realize the gravity of their situation is to reach rock bottom. And rock bottom is different for each individual. Just know that there is hope. Believe in it. And let them know that you believe in them.

 8. Should they also attend 12 step recovery yoga?

Any support system to participate in is huge when it comes to recovery. The nice thing about Yoga for 12-Step Recovery, is that not only do we provide a safe sacred place for support but we also teach healthy lifestyle practices by incorporating physical activity and teaching mindfulness and balance. Together, this provides as a valuable tool on the path to recovery.

9. What is the single most important thing for a recovering person focus on to stay on track?

It is my personal opinion that the most important thing is to find your “anchor”. Your anchor is whatever it is in your life that draws you back in to focus... that helps you remember who you are and what your purpose is. In my life, I have identified my husband, Steve, as my “anchor”. Just as we do in re-training our neuromuscular patterns, each time I see my husband I tell myself, “this man symbolizes my relationship with Self, my family, and my loyalty to my values and boundaries.” You want your anchor to be something or someone that can act as a permanent reminder of who you TRULY are.

10. Would you recommend this program for all ages, genders, walk of life ( socioeconomic )?

Absolutely. As we have witnessed in our own community, addictive behaviors can manifest at a very young age and have the ability to last for a lifetime if gone untreated. This program is catered to work with any age, gender, background, and addiction related behavior. I'd like to also point out that individuals learning of this program for the first time may think it is not relevant to them unless they have been effected by drug addiction or alcoholism. This is not the case. Nationwide, our meetings have also welcomed sex addicts, love addicts, food addicts, shopping addicts and more. As Nikki Meyers has said, "An addiction is an addiction is an addiction."

Three days later and here I am, biding my time to safety as I defy gravity with the help of this airplane. I've never been one to care for flying - and I would be lying if I felt more comfortable now. However, my neighbor is good company and I have a cup of hot tea to calm my nerves until we land.

Days two through four were difficult, to say the least, while maintaining discipline on the 21 Day Wellness Program. After the Evil Meatball Saga, my weekend's climatic ending was at my best friend, Tabitha's, Mother's 60th Birthday Party. Thank goodness for Two Mother's pre-packed juices and spa meal, or I don't know how I would have made it through!

I was sure to arrive early to show my support and offer a hand when needed. It took only ten minutes or so to find parking near the Lake Shore Drive high-rise condominiums, and I walked the two blocks as fast as I could to get inside before guests began to arrive. As soon as I entered the 2nd floor party room, I was greeted by Ms. Momsen and her head full of colorful curlers. In that moment I knew I would be put to work - and my work would be on the food.

I spent the next hour prepping delicious appetizers with cream cheese and ham and milk and sugar. My hands were dipped and draped and powdered with all sorts of goodness that was 100% inedible. The smells were intoxicating and deep breathes followed every second that Ms. Momsen stuck her finger in a mixture for a little taste. Every time she did so, I had to reach for my green juice to gain an equal sweetness, encouraging myself through thoughts that "Mine tastes better, anyway." And it really was good, thank God.

Guests eventually arrived and the food was served, cake included. The aromatic smells made me salivate and I found myself much more hungry than the day before. This time, I did feel it in my stomach. So was it a craving driven temptation from the pleasurable pickings? Or was I physically more hungry? Regardless, I stuck to the plan and enjoyed my vegetables and dressing. And for dessert, I treated myself to the fruit tray. The party ended and I survived, feeling great about myself.

Monday came and went with ease. Mondays are typically my busiest day of the week, so I am used to eating lightly and being out of the home from 7:30am to 9:30pm. For breakfast I made myself an egg omelet (no milk) with sautéed spinach and red pepper. For lunch, my Naperville Area Chamber of Commerce co-workers were kind enough to host a "Rachel's Last Day Party" by ordering in Q BBQ, making sure to include a fresh salad that met my dietary requirements. And in the evening I fixed up an easy dinner of quinoa, avocado, tofu and tamari sauce.

If I slipped up in any way, it would have been Yesterday (and this morning, by accident... I think). On Tuesday (yesterday), my Director asked to treat me for an official last day lunch. She knows my weakness is Sushi, and I had my tamari sauce readily available, so why not? I made sure to stick with fish and rice only, however it was not the recommended brown rice. Additionally, my dinner was also spent out celebrating my change in career with my Acupuncturist over Vietnamese. I ordered a simple grilled shrimp with fresh lettuce and rice vermicelli off the gluten free menu, but again, the rice vermicelli was not made from brown rice.

And now, here I am - still on the plane - waiting to land in Ft. Myers, Florida, and I can feel my stomach churning. Not from hunger... but the other kind of churning, if you know what I mean. When the stewardess offered us drinks, I requested hot tea. I asked her what kind she had, and if there was herbal. Her response was, "I think the tea we have is an orange..."

"That should be good," I interrupted, anxiously awaiting for my steamy hot beverage to calm my nerves. What I did not ask was if it was caffeine free, and based on the way I am feeling right now there is a pretty good guess that it is definitely not. Oh well, it suites the needs for some comforting warmth and it's better than coffee.

One thing we learn with yoga is to not waist our energy becoming angry or upset with ourselves - but rather to accept what is and appreciate what is available to us. So that being said, I appreciate the fact that I am able to sit comfortably as I defy gravity and soar above the clouds. I am grateful to have the company of an entertaining and energetic stranger next to me. And I am grateful that in less than an hour I will be in sunny Florida. :)

Namaste my fellow Yogis and Yoginis,

Yogi Rae

I would like to begin this entry by welcoming you to my present scene. I am currently on the old couch in our soon-to-be relaxation room (right now it is just four walls, a filing cabinet with a table lamp, and this darn old lumpy couch). I lay with my legs along the length of the cushions and my back pressed up against one arm. And I admit, I am in no proud-to-be-a-flexible-yogi-spine-elongated posture. It's cold in here - not because the heat isn't rising to the second floor room as it should, but because I am reminded of the tundra outside with the sounds of the shoveling trucks smashing and pushing there way down the street and up the driveways. This being said, you would think that the Two Mother's soup resting peacefully in the refrigerator would be the perfect antidote to warm my thought-provoked chilly bones. However, I cannot go downstairs. I'm too afraid. The sounds and smells have been nearly haunting me for the past two hours.

Some several hours earlier...

Today began great. I woke up inspired and excited to begin Day 1 of Living Yoga's 21 Days of Wellness Program. Within minutes of waking I was up and ready to head off and pick up my fancy little Juices and Spa Meal at Two Mothers. And boy oh boy, have you tried them all yet? Cuz today's makings are FANTASTIC! I hopped my happy little self outta there and hurried home to get my meal planning and grocery list under way. As Claudine said at last night's meeting, pre-planning is everything. And I believe that. 

The grocery store itself was a challenge, but it gave me the opportunity to observe my mind, and more importantly, how my selections have been easily manipulated by my wants rather than needs. And to think I always took pride in my routinely meal planning, just to avoid this! The truth is, regardless of how much I stuck to my grocery list, I still always strayed a little bit. 

Not today though. Today, with each item I lifted off the shelf, I pondered in thought over the importance of it. If I referred to my grocery list and it was not on there I would think to myself, "Rachel your meals have already been planned. When will you have time to eat this? Chances are it will have the same sad ending as most of my fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants purchases go. It will sit and wilt in it's uselessness until it finds it's grave in the trashcan." And then I would put it back down, right there on the shelf or in the box it had originated from.

As my day progressed I did not find that I struggled with hunger. Rather, I found that my struggle was with my trained cravings. That's right, I said trained. I was not hungry for a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, nor did my stomach beg at the thought of a savory turkey and vegetable sandwich. My belly was satisfied, but my mind wanted more.  It only took me observing where in my body I was feeling the urges to realize the difference between my perceived hunger and actual craving. I have to say, it felt pretty darn cool to come to this realization. It was as if I had mastered the program on Day 1. Nothing could get in my way, nothing could make me shutter with the necessity to relapse, nothing except...

Back to the present moment...

You see, this is my fourth time doing this cleanse. In any other situation, or maybe from a different point of view, I could say that it has become easier. However, there has been one challenge that has continued to grow, and grow, and grow with each year. This challenge tugs at my senses and teases my nose hairs - almost so much that they sing for those un-welcomed cravings. My stomach grumbles and torments my soul as I try to convince myself that I am not hungry. All this. All this internal warfare because of one challenge that I face. The one that keeps me hidden away upstairs on a lumpy old couch in a cold bare room. My darn Husband... the Man finally got good at cooking. The problem? He is so damn good at it, he could nurse a Vegan to sleep like a baby with his homemade Au Jus. And tonight's menu features meatballs.

My Mantra Moment (aka my internal dialogue to survive the night)
"My body is worthy of my dedication to wellness. My body is worthy of my dedication to wellness. My body is worthy of my dedication to wellness."

Until next time my fellow cleansers, Namaste,

Yogi Rae

PS. I thought for a moment I had just lost this entry without saving it and I just about died. THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!!!!

Nothing happens in our lives and in the world without purpose.

The path that speeds us toward our dreams can be a challenging and complex one, so it’s easy to get bogged down in confusion and insecurities. We often hesitate at the start of that path, questioning our purpose or our capabilities. Yet we should be moving forward joyously, eager to discover what destiny has in store for us. The universe has plans for us that eclipse anything we have dreamed of thus far. Though we must work diligently to fulfill our potential and to accomplish our individual missions, the universe is aware of both the quests we chose before birth and the goals we have formulated in adulthood. If we accept that it us watching over us and believe that it will facilitate our eventual success, the universe will provide us with the assistance and opportunities that enable us to make significant progress on our journeys of ambition. 

Nothing happens without a purpose. Whether we attract success or repel it depends on our willingness to stay open to a wide range of possibilities and to embrace concepts like synchronicity. The universe is always ready to care for our needs, but we must not write off its loving attention as mere circumstance or chance. Likewise, we must endeavor to ensure that our egos do not become a barrier that prevents us from recognizing that even perceived mistakes and strife can be profound lessons that smooth the progress of personal evolution. When we understand that we only need to enthusiastically try our best to realize our objectives, the universe will take care of the details, propelling us forward in its unstoppable current. We may not always immediately understand the significance of certain experiences, but our trust will help us choose wisely at each crossroads. 

The universe wants to see you accomplish your goals. No matter how long you’ve dallied or hesitated, it will always be there to put its plan for you in motion at the first sign of your faith. You can make the most of this aid by acquiescing to it rather than fighting it—nurture your dreams but do not attempt to micromanage every detail along the way. The universe will provide you with guidance and, if you heed that guidance, you will find your formerly stressful quest for success will become a journey of great joy.